Christmas-Chanukah: What’s the Difference?

 

Just in case there might be someone who is not keenly aware of the differences between Christmas and Chanukah….

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing.

    Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday.

    Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos….

    Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas (Xmas doesn’t count).

    No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends . Their partners expect special gifts.

    Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.

    Wax candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful….

    Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren such as Irving Berlin and Mel Torme. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods.

    A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies.

    Women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas mornings.

     Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus.

     The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth.

     Jews think, ‘Joseph, you shmuck, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d. Here’s the number of my shrink’.

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.

     The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.

14. Christmas has Santa Claus

Jews don’t have a Mr. Menorah. Santa Claus proves the ultimate cop-out for Christian parents.  If a child dislikes the gifts received, parents can blame it on miscommunications with the North Pole.

To all of you, a Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas, Festivus for the Rest of Us, Happy Kwanzaa and a healthy, joyous 2009

When Snow Falls & Pigs Fly

I know I haven’t been blogging lately. Another blog gets too much of my attention. So, I want to share the latest post on my “other blog” OlberBlogging.

The latest post has lots of Buddhist “heart” in it. As well as a few Buddhist gods playing tricks on me, I suppose. Perhaps for ignoring thihs one.

Check out When Snow Falls and Pigs Fly over at OlberBlogging.

Happy Holidays and Other Profanities

Holiday jeers again usurp holiday cheers with the return of  Fox News blowhard Bill O’Reilly’s “anti-Christmas cultural war.” Pre-thanksgiving, while touting his new book in the liberal news media, O’Reilly rebranded himself as a “secularist” with deep abiding love for church-state separation. But with the tour over, this turkey and his fellow Christmas crusaders once again ring the jingle bell jihad. 

Joining the chorus, Utah State Senator Chris Butters introduced legislation to “encourage” retailers to use the “Merry Christmas” greetings exclusively. Butters says although he’s tired of the so-called Christmas war, “we are a Christian nation and ought to use the word.”  Ah, Mr. Butters, some people would disagree that Utah was indeed part of a “Christian” nation, but that’s another ecclesiological issue.

Every year, some zealot condemns any use of an inclusive “happy holiday” salutation as anti-Christian bias. A few years ago, I wrote an article Happy Holidays and Other Profanities so with the current spirit of the season, I reincarnated it in The Winking Buddha Blog. Enjoy

Turtle Love Beyond The Grave

The photo below shows a male turtle who remained for hours at the memorial set up for its human friendly mate killed on a Hawaii beach.

People (usually scientists) who state animals lack emotions and memories, must lack such themselves

Please click here for the video. Have a hankie ready.